Mother... and No Mother!

Mother... and No Mother!

She's your source
of all inspiration.
She encourages you
to surpass your limitation.

She's the cool soft moonlight
wherein dreams are born.
She's the smile
that sets right all wrong.

Her belief in you
makes you believe yourself.
Her pride in you
makes you proud of yourself.

She celebrates
every tiny step you take.
And when you stumble and fall,
she helps you up and calls for a "retake".

Against the harsh criticism of the world,
she's an impenetrable armour.
Through her eyes, you're able to see
the perfection that you truly are.

She protects you from the
scorching sun and stormy waters of life.
She is the cord that connects you
to planet 'home', through all the strife.

. . . . .

But then one day...
she's gone.
Just like that.
No goodbyes.
No parting hugs.
No final words of wisdom.
Not even the gentle reassurance, that
"Don't be afraid, I'll watch over you."

You feel betrayed,
You want to scream,
smash everything that is breakable.
You want to complain to Dad,
about her leaving you like that.
You want to cry...
cry soooo much.

But, you are told by "well wishers",
to check those tears
and "be strong".
You keep waiting to hear the words,
"Your mother is gone, but...
we're still here; we'll look after you."

Instead, all you get to hear is,
"Now YOU have to look after your Dad and sister."

. . . . .

More than 14 years later,
you're still left wondering "Why?"
Why are you the only one
who doesn't need "looking after"?

And then you wonder
if you're made of some different stuff?
Stuff like old Arnie was made of, perhaps,
in Terminator II?

You wonder why you're unable to
see yourself the way others apparently do?
Like a robot. Or the Superman.
Or maybe the Mount Everest?

you just come to the conclusion...
that maybe those "others"
need to start wearing glasses!

. . . . .

I originally published this post on my old blog, 12 years ago, in February 2011. Decided to share it today on my new blog as well, because today is my mom's birthday. (Or at least, it would have been if she'd still been around. As things turned out though, she never even made it to her 41st birthday!)

Mother's Smile Sets Everything Right

As a matter of fact, I was randomly browsing through my old blog today, going through all the posts that were related to my mom and her sister - my mausi. (Mausi also passed away a few years ago, and, for me, they both carried such similar energetic signatures that it felt like losing mom all over again!)

And as I was reading those posts again today, I realized that some of them will never make it into THIS blog. They are part of a different version of me -- a version that is already healed now. They don't quite belong here now. Still, it felt good going through them again today and noticing, from a detached kind of point of view, the different "shades" of grief that one might go through...

For instance, this post shared above today...

It is so clearly demarcated in THREE very distinct parts:

  1. With mother - All rhyme and rhythm, positive words and emotions, tenderness, deep-rooted sense of security... in your own being and in your connection with the world.

  2. Sudden (and, in my case, unexpected too) loss of mother - Completely devoid of rhyme or reason, so much pain and anguish... WANTING to express itself, but bottled up, a sense of disbelief and incognizance.

  3. 14-years later - Still unable to make sense, still no rhythm, the anger and hurt replaced by confusion, so many questions, and finally... the beginning of accepting your vulnerability...

Interestingly, ALL THREE parts were written as one single post, AT ONE GO, 14 years after my mom's death. Yet, all three of them are so different in their style and mood.

Isn't it amazing how, just by accessing and RE-LIVING different past moments, we can bring out noticeable differences in our writing?

This is, in fact, just the reverse of what I did in the other post I shared here about my mom - That Last Night - in which I DISTANCED myself from the experience, to be able to better write about it. (You can click on that link to check out that post if you haven't already read it.)

Both these techniques (of re-living and distancing) are actually covered in Neuro Linguistic Programming (of which I am now a certified Trainer), and they have many more applications, other than in writing.

So let's play a quick game in the comments...

Can you think of where else they can be useful? What other fields? What kind of situations?

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Wanna Talk? :)

Shilpa Gupte said...

Hey Kay, tight hugs! I can't imagine how you must have dealt with such a big blow! My heart went out to you as I read your post above. I really have no words to console you or to tell you it takes courage to deal with such a loss and you are so courageous. Losing a parent is such a big blow, one we never really handle inwardly. Outwardly, we may face those moments and come to terms with the loss over a period of time, but deep within, we know that life will never be the same without our parents. We will always miss them. But you know, they are always with us. Always. Year before last, I lost my father. But I know he is around. The tiny miracles that happen when we least expect them, are signs our parents are looking after us from the other realm. I believe in it.

Jayanthy said...

I was happily reading this blog post and then suddenly shocked about the loss and later drenched in immense sadness. It still scares me to lose a loved one. I cannot accept reality or precisely don't want it to happen to accept it. I'm that hopeless when it comes to even thinking of losing a loved one. For the first time yesterday, I read it from a younger child's point of view. I couldn't bear it at all. We think differently, we see differently and we understand differently over the years, all of them are equally important. I cannot think anything else now. I do not know how to bear lose, it's the memories of the loved one Hs that keeps them with us. Also, wishing that we could have spent some more time with them. Hugs.

Kay said...

Hi Shilpa! Thanks for such heartwarming words! And really sorry to hear about your loss. Yes, they never really leave us - they are always a part of us... in the form of the beliefs we carry, the values we hold dear, our inner-critics as well as our inner cheerleaders! :P
BIG hugs! :)

Kay said...

Hi Jayanthy! Yeaaahh, the 3 moods are sooo different, right? I am so happy you were actually able to experience the observation I shared in the end! And you're so right - we all see and understand differently as the years pass by, because we are no longer the same person anymore - we have evolved.
Blogging is a pretty good way to save all our precious memories, don't you think? :D
Hugs to you too!

Rajlakshmi said...

The first stanza felt so soft, like a warm hug... it reminded me of my mom and how I feel about her. I could feel the anguish in the second part. My heart goes out to you. The fact that you could write about it, analyse your feelings and share your experience with the world actually shows how much you have healed now. I hope your sister is doing well. Take care.

Kay said...

"like a warm hug"... EXACTLY, Raji! You summed it up! :D
Yes, it was a moment of proud realization for me too, to see that I am now past these stages.
Thank you!

shalzmojo said...

You are a very strong girl, capable of handling so much. And when I say handling it, I mean the analysis and thought that has gone into your introspection over the events vis-a-vis your writing. I know nothing about NLP ( congrats on getting your certification) but you are able to connect it all in your writing is amazing. Hugs and hugs Kay for your loss- it must have been terrible to lose her when you were such a kid yourself too. One grows up too soon when such events unfold in life but I am sure your Mom and aunt would be terribly proud of you today!!! Stay blessed and strong!!!! Love Shalz

Kay said...

Thanks Shalz, for such loving support!
NLP is all about Language -- the language of the brain, how it codes & makes sense of the world around us -- so yes, connecting it with my writing comes naturally. I will share more about NLP one of these days.
And you are right - such an event either makes people resentful or matures them ahead of time. I'm glad I chose the latter.
Thank you so much! Hugs back!
Love, Kay

Vinitha said...

Hugs, Kay. Dealing with the loss of a parent, no matter how many years have passed, is still not easy. My dad passed almost 12 years ago and I still feel the pain. You have captured the love of your mother and her absence so well in the above verses. Hugs.

Kay said...

Hugs to you too, Vinitha. Sorry that you also had to experience this pain so early in life! :(

Rachna said...

I am so sorry to read this. Big hugs to you. I lost my mum 21 years ago and life has not been the same.

Kay said...

Thanks Rachna. Sorry about your loss too! Hugs back!

Damyanti Biswas said...

very well written.

Kay said...

Thank you, Damyanti :)

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